Her Indoors

Was utterly charmed to meet at a Business Women’s Networking lunch, a lovely, lovely lady, Karen Barr of Beswitchedon A life style coach who specialises in helping single ladies find a relationship and who guarantees single clients that they will achieve better connections with friends, family, and men within 8 sessions of coaching by her. Even though I am an old married lady by now, relationships are still a priority for me and I suspect that this is true for everyone. For single people, relationships with friends and family are a huge support and if you are married or have a partner it is always going to be something that needs attention – it does not get easier after a few years unfortunately!!

I asked Karen for a few words of inspiration that I could share with my readers on Valentines Day and she sent this, a twenty-first century guide to meeting people online.

Internet dating is THE new way to meet people. However there are still a lot of sceptics out there. Here are my top tips for safe and effective internet dating…

1. Facts about Internet Dating
60% of all single people who are looking are looking on-line
That means there are around 90 million people searching on line right now!
One in 5 marriages from the last 3 years are couples who met on the internet
I personally have been to the weddings of 4 internet couples, and know at least 10 more who are married or long term dating.

So it DOES work!

2. Attitude is everything!
One of the first things you need to get clear is your attitude. My favourite expression is “You reap what you sow”, so if you don’t believe the internet will work for you then it won’t. I do however empathise with you because I thought for a long time that the type of guy I wanted to meet would never be anywhere near the internet looking for a partner. WRONG!!

3. Intention
Once you have cleaned up your attitude, write out a statement of intention stating that you will put the appropriate effort into finding love on-line.

4. Writing a great profile
The key here is to know yourself and who you are looking for. Most women don’t think twice about the type of man they want, they just date anyone who is interested – no much wonder it doesn’t work out.

First, write out the top 5 adjectives that best describe you – these can include things you like to do. Then write out a statement that proves each one! Yes, just like a competency based interview! “Tell me a time when you…”

For example, have you any idea how many people say they like to travel?? So instead of just saying “I like to travel”, say something like, “One of my favourite cocktail moments was sipping Daquiri’s in Hemmingway’s Bar in Havana” or “I love watching the sun set over Hong Kong Harbour”. You get the idea. This is ‘show and tell’ stuff!

If you are extrovert and spontaneous, say so! An introverted planner needs to know that.

5. Invest in a decent photo
There is no excuse for not having a good clear head and shoulder shot. Get it done professionally if you really want to make a good impression. Men love women in red (a cliché I know but its true!) And show just a little cleavage – just a LITTLE mind!!

If you have to have a picture of you on your mountain bike, or you with your cuddly toy collection, have them as additional photos, not the main one.

6. Which site do I use?
Well, this is a bit like joining gym, it doesn’t matter which one you join, it’s using it that counts.

As I long suspected, recent research suggests that sites with psychometric profiling are a bit of a waste of time, so I wouldn’t bother with those. I also think that anyone who won’t even pay for a subscription shows lack of commitment, so I would also avoid those too.

Generally, the top sites such as match.com, cupid.com or datingdirect.com are good. So are the ones associated with newspapers such as Guardian Soulmates or Telegraph Dating depending on your political allegiance!

7. “Dos”
Do flirt, wink, favourite, or whatever the site allows. Or just go straight for it and email someone you like the look of directly.

Do go on-line often; most men won’t even bother with you if they see you haven’t been on-line for a few days, so try to do this at least every 48 hours.

Ask questions relating to your date’s profile, there is nothing nicer than knowing someone has actually read about you and is showing a genuine interest

8. “Don’ts”
In my experience, there are a few men who think that having a relationship based on emails or text is acceptable. If they are always texting and never calling – forget it.

Same with emails. If you are looking for someone local and can meet up easily, do so as soon as you feel comfortable.

ALWAYS speak on the phone before you agree to meet up. THIS SHOULD BE A NON NEGOTIABLE RULE. I think you get a much better feel for the person if you can talk to them. And besides, if you can happily chat to them for 30 minutes or so on the phone, then at least you know you can manage a decent conversation even if the spark is not there.

9. The Date
Go somewhere central – this just makes sense for safety’s sake. And always get your own way there and home.
Tell friends where you are going , and text them once you are on your way home. I’m sure they are dying to know how it went anyway!

Only stay for an hour. I think this is the easiest way to get out of a tricky situation. Tell your date that you only have one hour for a quick drink or a coffee. If it’s going well you can always change your mind or if it’s going really well, you have the rest of your lives to spend more time together.

10. Keep at it
It is very easy to get jaded if you are not finding anyone to your liking on the site. This is where you have to remember your commitment to yourself.
Just go out and enjoy meeting new people. It might not all end in ‘happy ever after’ but if you decide to have fun and be interested in others, you will find people interested in you.

Wow, some real eye-openers there…Do men like women in red?? Her advice about meeting up as soon as possible, I think is very pertinent. Sorry to add a cynical note to this most romantic of subjects, but unfortunately you do get married men on dating websites and their inevitable reluctance to actually meet or suspiciously tight ‘work’ schedules are a real give away.

Inspiring though…get in touch with Karen through her website Beswitchedon

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Xmas disasters in our house included our TV blowing 5 minutes before the start of the final episode of Homeland….YES 5 Minutes…and NO it is NOT just as good the next day on 4OD…especially if you live in a small village and your broadband speed is about as reliable as the local bus.

A few of you might also have noticed that my blog broke down…hence my radio silence over the festive break and my ‘Dear Santa’ post at the beginning of January…?? So sorry.

However, I was saved from freaking out completely hearing that my dear friend Marie’s husband, fellow photographer, John Owen, fell on Christmas Eve and ended up in hospital with a cracked rib and a punctured lung…

That kind of news puts things in perspective, so I decided to pull myself together and just enjoy Christmas…We were invited to my brother, who very sensibly married Elaine, who does a very nice Christmas indeed, so a lovely time was had by all.

New Year at our house was based on ‘The Killing’ our favourite Scandinavian Crime drama. Had not quite realised how complicated these murder mystery dinner parties are – have been to a couple already – can’t remember much about either of them…(oh dear, wonder why?)

Made a real effort with my table decorations at least.

Anyway, everyone arrived beautifully togged up, as various Danish characters, only most were not equipped with the right reading glasses, which made following the script quite difficult.

Never mind though, a few drinks and a couple of well known Abba songs later and we were completely into the swing of it. I am ashamed to say, we never quite worked out who did it though.

A working TV is not everything…you can always visit friends and neighbours who have one.

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As promised, have updated Sharon Randall’s very advanced guide to marriage, that I shared in an earlier post, pontificating the fact that I had been doing this blog for a year now and was, still, married! Have written some rather more achievable tips, I think, based on my own experience. I did try and post some on Facebook every day …but in the end it all got a bit much for me, so before I phone a solicitor, here goes:

25 Tips on How to Stay Married

1. Always put her first – before work, friends, even basketball. Act as if she’s the best thing that ever happened to you, because we all know she is. Pretend you never find him annoying
2. Keep no secrets. Pool your money. Allow nothing and no one to come between you. Agree with everything he says, but carry on buying shoes whenever you need them.

3. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they’re hard to forget. I like this – be kind at all times
4. Fall in love again every day. Kiss her in taxis. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she’s beautiful. Then tell her again. Have sex
5. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now, but one day they’ll be gold. Have sex on your anniversary and both your birthdays at least…if you can remember the last time you had sex – that is very good.
6. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a Shop-Vac, let her pick it out herself. Buy your own jewellery, flowers, shoes….
7. Go to church together, and pray every day for each other and your marriage. Get drunk together and hope both your hangovers get better soon

8. Pay your bills on time and make sure you each have a living will, a durable power of attorney and life insurance, lest, God forbid, you need them. Yeah – arrange childcare quickly

9. Love her parents as your own, but don’t ask them for money. Never criticize her family or friends. On her birthday, send flowers to her mother with a note saying, “Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life.” Hmmm…errr… being reasonably polite to your mother-in-law at all times is probably enough.

10. Always listen to her heart; if you’re wrong, say you’re sorry; if you’re right, shut up. Apologise profusely if you have bought a lot of shoes this month or, don’t tell him at all.
11. Don’t half-tie the knot; plan to stay married forever. – Errr start organizing the golden wedding celebrations now?
12. Never go to bed mad; talk until you’re over it, or you forget why you were mad. Pardon??
13. Laugh together a lot. If you can laugh at yourselves, you’ll have plenty to laugh about. Now, why did the chicken cross the road…?

14. Never criticize, correct or interrupt her in public; try not to do it in private either. Don’t hit him in public or private
15. Remember that people are the least lovable when they are most in need of love. Yes, this is true – grumpy misery-guts need a lot of tlc
16. Never fall for the myth of perfectionism; it’s a lie. Perfect people are surrounded by idiots, inevitably
17. When you don’t like each other, remember that you love each other; pray for the “good days” to return and they will. Pardon?
18. Tell the truth, only the truth, with great kindness. This is a very good idea – I will honestly do this from now on – honestly!
19. Kiss at least 10 seconds a day, all at once or spread out. Try and have sex occasionally
20. Memorize all her favorite things and amaze her with how very well you know her. Make sure you go on plenty of girls nights out
21. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car; keep steering it on a path you both want it to go. Check his mobile for dodgy texts and emails from other women – not nice but prob useful…

22. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally, and never stop growing spiritually. Buy as nice as a house as you can afford, starve yourself so you can afford to go on the occasional holiday
23. Never raise your voice unless you’re on fire. Whisper when you argue. Good idea – scary
24. Be both friends and lovers; in a blackout, light a candle, then make your own sparks. Not such a good idea – don’t try this
25. Finally, be an interesting person, lead your own life. But always save your best for each other. In the end, you will know you were better together than you ever could’ve been apart. Goodness – if you can follow that you are doing well….think it means ‘the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts’…yes, very good.

Here’s to happily ever after.

sharonrandall.com Thank you Sharon, you are an inspiration!

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It was my Mum’s birthday yesterday and I came across these wonderful pics of her having a girls night…they will have been taken by my Dad…

This must have been about 1972 – you can kind of tell by the fashions – priceless! I remember all the characters vividly – L to R: Molly Chalk, June Bracken, Mum and Elizabeth Fisher – all fabulous ladies. What I love about these photos is that everyone just looks like they are having such a good time!

These remind me what a huge influence she was and still is, although she died a long time ago now, I still do loads of things just like she did.

Minimal housework, maximum entertaining and getting together with friends was her maxim. I love to read and correspond with people and I definitely inherited my love of quality TV drama from her!

I bring up my children just like she brought me and my brother up, not in every detail, by the way, but broadly and I definitely love a really good girls night in!

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Cannot believe I have been doing this blog for a year…!

Starting it, a series of stories, good and bad, basically about working with my husband, I worried deeply that it would inevitably lead to a complete crumble of our marriage…that Doug would just find the whole thing too cheesy and I would have to confess in a tweet that actually I was working with my ex-husband….

Hang on though, as I said, I have been doing this blog a year now, and we are still together, so, preparing this post made me wonder if meeting these challenges and surviving them, I could have inadvertently gathered some wisdom along the way, that I could impart to others…

I came across a guide online that someone wrote, to her son I think, on the eve of his wedding day

25 Tips on How to Stay Married:
1. Always put her first – before work, friends, even basketball. Act as if she’s the best thing that ever happened to you, because we all know she is.
2. Keep no secrets. Pool your money. Allow nothing and no one to come between you.
3. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they’re hard to forget.
4. Fall in love again every day. Kiss her in taxis. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she’s beautiful. Then tell her again.
5. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now, but one day they’ll be gold. .
6. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a Shop-Vac, let her pick it out herself.
7. Go to church together, and pray every day for each other and your marriage.
8. Pay your bills on time and make sure you each have a living will, a durable power of attorney and life insurance, lest, God forbid, you need them.
9. Love her parents as your own, but don’t ask them for money. Never criticize her family or friends. On her birthday, send flowers to her mother with a note saying, “Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life.”
10. Always listen to her heart; if you’re wrong, say you’re sorry; if you’re right, shut up.
11. Don’t half-tie the knot; plan to stay married forever.
12. Never go to bed mad; talk until you’re over it, or you forget why you were mad.
13. Laugh together a lot. If you can laugh at yourselves, you’ll have plenty to laugh about.
14. Never criticize, correct or interrupt her in public; try not to do it in private either.
15. Remember that people are the least lovable when they are most in need of love.
16. Never fall for the myth of perfectionism; it’s a lie.
17. When you don’t like each other, remember that you love each other; pray for the “good days” to return and they will.
18. Tell the truth, only the truth, with great kindness.
19. Kiss at least 10 seconds a day, all at once or spread out.
20. Memorize all her favorite things and amaze her with how very well you know her.
21. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car; keep steering it on a path you both want it to go.
22. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally, and never stop growing spiritually.
23. Never raise your voice unless you’re on fire. Whisper when you argue.
24. Be both friends and lovers; in a blackout, light a candle, then make your own sparks.
25. Finally, be an interesting person, lead your own life. But always save your best for each other. In the end, you will know you were better together than you ever could’ve been apart.

sharonrandall.com

Gosh I wish someone had written all that to Doug the night before our wedding!! I’d be in heaven…I am not sure he would have actually read it though…

This is obviously a very advanced guide to marriage…I thought I would write, for the benefit of my readers, some rather more achievable tips and, in Her Indoors time-honoured tradition, post some on Facebook every day until you are sick of them!

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